I spy an X

I think the premise of online social networking is very sweet. You can meet people online that have similar interests and broaden your social circle. You can even use it for romantic endeavors. I have a friend for example who, determined to marry a Jew, has narrowed down her selection of potential husbands to those on JDate.com.

But I am already married, and I have more friends than I can handle. Still I find myself logged into these sites at 2am in the morning while my husband sleeps. Now I’ll tell you right now that I am not doing so to network. And no – I’m not a pedophile! Rather, I do so to spy on my men. How else would I find out what my ex-boyfriend was doing now that he quit that band? And where else would I find photos of the football player that I lusted after in college? Yes – I used the word lusted.

Though I still have their phone numbers memorized, calling these two chaps is out of the question. I think I already mentioned that I am married, but let me clarify. I am married to a Muslim, an Arab at that. Now don’t be frightened. They are not as scary as they appear on television. But needless to say that while I might get excused for the occasional martini, I certainly would not get off so easy if I was caught talking to one of my men. And we’ll leave it at that for now.

So, I joined myspace begrudgingly a year ago when I realized that I would have to “poke” my ex-boyfriend on the facebook if I wanted to view his profile. And while I wanted to view his profile, I in no way wanted him to know that I wanted to view his profile…you get the idea. So here I am again at 2:15am reading through his bio. And what I find here is refreshing. On paper, (or shall I say on screen) I am much more successful than Mr. X. I have a six figure job, a downtown apartment, and a very cute picture of me and my Arab hubby on my profile. Check.

Next I move on to the running back, we will call him G (I hope this is discrete enough). I like his site because he keeps it so well maintained. He has a lot of photo albums to leaf through and several quotes that remind me of our 2 or 3 “almost dates” (I was technically engaged at the time). He doesn’t say anything about me on his site. But why should he? I technically broke his heart – or at least that’s how I like to remember it. Rather his site is full of pictures of him and his girlfriend M of however many years. They are cute. She is Italian.

And here is where you will roll your eyes. Sometimes if it is really late I will go onto her site – I know I know it’s pathetic. She’s just the girlfriend of a guy I almost dated in college two…no shit it was 3 years ago. What am I doing?! It is 2:30am and I have to work in the morning. But still, I spend a few good minutes analyzing her profile before I decide that I am prettier than her and that he would have been happier with me. Check.

I’m done for the night and I hear my husband grunt in the other room. I stop clicking for a second. The last time he caught me on myspace we had an A&A moment (Arab vs. American). But I’ve already promised that I would hold off on that for now. So I give my profile a once over, making sure that it is respectable enough so that if X or G were to ever stumble onto it they would be impressed. I don’t post any comments on my page nor write to any of my friends. That’s all beside the point. My purpose after all never was to network.

- Karen